The Secret Intelligence of Parenting

Executive functioning is an umbrella term that refers to our ability to take action on behalf of our thoughts, feelings, motivations, and goals. It’s a buzzword in education and is often thought of as a set of cognitive skills that leads to high SAT scores and promotions in the workplace. But while a CEO has to have good executive functioning, there is another, often overlooked population that requires the same exceptional coordination of cognitive, social, and emotional skills: parents.

If you were to ask almost any parent—in the midst of juggling groceries and a crying baby—how she does it, it wouldn’t be out of the ordinary for her to reply with a self-deprecating remark. “I have no idea what I’m doing!” she might say, as she fumbles with the car seat, popping a pacifier into the mouth of her baby at just the right moment. Her gaze lingers on her little one, stroking her cheek until she settles into a state of calm, at which point the mother returns to the conversation. “I’m just taking my cues from her,” she says.

It turns out, taking cues from your infant is truly the gold standard of parenting in the first year. The past two decades of neuroscience research have shown that while a child needs basic necessities to survive, they also need emotional care and support if they are going to thrive.

The importance of affection and comfort is not just a sweet sentiment; it is central to our sense of well-being. The field of attachment shows how a sense of safety with our caregivers shapes our ability to regulate our emotions and manage the natural anxiety of life (Schore, 2005). Many psychological disorders are correlated with a lack of attachment security, highlighting how attachment has the power to either set us up for optimal development or severely set us back (Set et al., 2019).

So, how does one create a secure attachment with their child? We think the answer might be good executive functioning.

While the parent at the grocery store might feel as if she doesn’t know what she’s doing, she’s actually engaging in a highly complex mental process. Taking cues from your infant is a lot more nuanced and precise than it might seem. There are many factors that must converge in order to effectively soothe one’s baby in the midst of a chaotic moment. A parent's ability to intuit her child’s needs and to execute them quickly and effectively reveals a dynamic intelligence that hinges on excellent executive functioning.

In her influential attachment research, Mary Ainsworth studied mother-child interactions which revealed patterns in the mother’s behavior toward the child that lead to either attachment security, or one of the various forms of non-secure attachment (avoidant, ambivalent, and the later discovered disorganized category). The main parental characteristics that lead to secure attachment were summarized by Ainsworth in the following four measures of her Maternal Sensitivity Scales.

In the outline below, we conceptualize how each scale represents the coordination of several executive functions–a useful tool for parents and clinicians, alike.

Sensitivity vs. Insensitivity to a Baby’s Signals

A sensitive parent enlists multiple executive functions in order to be aware of their child’s signals, accurately interpret them, and respond appropriately and promptly. They have the ability to manage their own emotional states and cope with them without transferring those feelings onto the child or taking on their child’s emotions as their own.

From a cognitive standpoint, sensitivity also includes the ability of the parent to recognize that their child’s tantrum about having to leave the park, while not serious to the adult, is very real to the child. This includes having realistic expectations of the child’s developmental stage and abilities and supporting them accordingly. This is a delicate balance considering the anxiety and overwhelm that often accompany parenting, and it requires social awareness and empathy for the child.

Cooperation vs. Interference with Baby’s Behavior

A cooperative parent views her baby as an autonomous person, whose wishes and activities have a validity of their own. When their baby is involved in play or activities of their choice, the parent consciously limits interruption.

Cognitively, this requires executive functions such as delayed gratification, putting their baby’s needs first, and creating strategies to use when interruptions are necessary. In order to do this, the parent must also have the ability to manage their anxiety around their own schedule and desire for control when it is in conflict with the wishes of their child. This level of cooperationmust also be grounded in a strong sense of social intelligence and emotional regulation on the part of the parent.

Physical and Psychological Availability vs. Ignoring and Neglecting

An available parent is one that is accessible and emotionally attentive to their child such that they are always, at least peripherally, on the parent’s mind when in their care. The parent is never too absorbed in their own thoughts, feelings, or activities to be unable to shift attention to their child when necessary.

In order for this to happen, a parent must be flexible in their attention and alert to the child’s whereabouts and needs. Other important executive functions required for this level of attunement include having a selective filter to tune into the child’s sounds, signals, and bodily cues. Like a good CEO, an available parent is strategic in the way that they manage competing needs and responsibilities while remaining present.

Acceptance vs. Rejection of the Baby's Needs

An accepting parent is able to balance conflicting feelings about parenthood, both positive and negative. They do not harbor resentment for the ways that their lives have been turned upside down and accept the responsibility wholeheartedly. The parent is able to tolerate frustration about the baby’s behavior without taking it personally.

They also support the child’s individual sense of self, encouraging them to fully express themselves even if it’s triggering. They are not reactive to the child’s behavior because they have coping skills to help them process difficult emotions in the moment. When there is a rupture, they move swiftly through frustration to repair the bond. They use reflection and an inner equilibrium to extend compassion and adjust to the child’s developmental capacity.

References

Ainsworth, M. D. S. (1969). Maternal sensitivity scales. Power, 6, 1379-1388.

Schore, A. N. (2005). Attachment, affect regulation, and the developing right brain: Linking developmental neuroscience to pediatrics. Pediatrics in review, 26(6), 204-217.

Set, Z. (2019). Potential regulatory elements between attachment styles and psychopathology: Rejection sensitivity and self-esteem. Archives of Neuropsychiatry, 56(3), 205.