Understanding the Self

We like to imagine ourselves as a single, unified self. But this isn’t the full story of the richness and complexity of being human, with our ever-shifting states of mind, moods, and capacities. We contain many layers of who we are, which correlate with different neural networks of processing, and we enlist them to meet a wide array of situations and roles we play. Imagine two days in the same week. The first day, we slept well, engaged in adequate self care and didn’t face extreme stress or challenges–circumstances that allow for us to feel present, focused and emotionally attuned to others as we move through our day. In states like these, we feel confident in who we are (I am hardworking, I am patient, I am social). The problem with this is that the next day, when we are distracted, irritable and socially disconnected after a sleepless night and a bad fight with a spouse, we feel shame and confusion for the fluctuations in our ability to show up consistently. We’re quick to berate ourselves about the ways that we failed to measure up to yesterday’s version of ourselves. 

The reality, however frustrating it may be, is that uniformity is not an available option. Just because we crush our to-do list on Monday, doesn’t mean that we’re going to show up with the same vigor on Tuesday. These discrepancies are not a moral failure, but demonstrate the complex ecosystem of our internal workings. Rather than functioning as a single self, human neurobiology favors a multivarious self with a diverse set of context-dependent parts and related skill sets. These parts shift in activation depending on the physiological, emotional and social factors of a given situation. This is the superpower that allows us to adapt to the wide variety of roles we play, from lover to parent to friend to professional. 

By evolutionary design, each component part of who we are serves an adaptational purpose. Our emotional parts take the lead in our social interactions and relationships, while our logical parts step up to help us analyze situations and solve problems rationally. Our protective parts handle physical and emotional safety, while our intuitive parts process sensory information in the form of “gut feelings.” Our internal self allows us to reflect deeply on our lives, and our outward self focuses on keeping us engaged with others and our community. As you can see, each part has a valuable contribution to make. In an ideal world, these parts function not as a hierarchy, but as branches of a cohesive and collaborative government. We take input from different parts of who we are and combine them in beneficial ways to exhibit balanced decision making. Some days we are better at this than others. 

The diversity of our component parts can create contradictory priorities, resulting in a power struggle that creates dilemmas like these: Should I make a decision with my head or my heart? Should I go with the safe option or take a chance based on a gut feeling? In complex situations where our parts are genuinely torn on which direction to go, it can be very helpful to dig deeper into the primary goals and motivations of each part and attempt to negotiate the most beneficial outcome possible. Listening to and respecting all parts leads to optimal functioning and creates an underlying sense of self-respect and acceptance. If we disregard, shame or criticize certain parts, it can leave us feeling like we are at war with ourselves, when it is really just a clash of messages from different parts of us.  

Trauma, stress and life experiences can also cause these parts of us to manifest in maladaptive ways. This often looks like one part overpowering or dissociating from the others, and we end up seeing psychological symptoms as a result. For example, if our protective parts become hypervigilant, we experience anxiety symptoms. Excessive introspection can result in depressive symptoms like rumination and negative self-focus. In borderline personality disorder, we see the emotional reactivity that results when emotions disconnect from rational thinking. In ADHD, an overactive internal dialogue inhibits our ability to be focused and grounded. In codependency, caring for others takes priority over self-care, leading to self-abandonment. These are just a few common examples of how many mental health symptoms are the result of unbalanced parts that don’t have healthy outlets yet. 

One element of knowing who we are and how to take care of ourselves better includes identifying the component parts of our brains and minds, learning how they operate and working to get them into dynamic balance. For instance, we make space for the less socially acceptable parts (i.e. anger), to allow them to play their role in productive ways (i.e. through direct communication instead of passive aggression). We also notice when certain parts are attempting to meet our core needs in dysfunctional ways, and give them updated methods for coping. For example, if our protective parts manage anxiety through self-medicating, we must understand the underlying need of this part to feel safe and provide alternative outlets to regulate anxiety, such as breathwork and nervous system healing. The dynamic interaction of the many parts of ourselves allows us to understand why our behavior is at times chaotic, inconsistent or even self-sabotaging. Rather than shame ourselves, we can instead get curious about what adjustments would create more inner harmony. Using a multi-part framework of the self allows us to give each version of ourselves a healthy form of expression, a process which ultimately leads to greater self-understanding and acceptance.